I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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