just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
