If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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