I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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