It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
