I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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