i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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