god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
