i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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