i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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