White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
