I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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