K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
whose parrot is this?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bring me that man meat
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
