I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
