I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
