sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
