did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
