apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
