i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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