I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
