Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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