Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
