I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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