can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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