mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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