Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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