No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
