You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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