At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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