I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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