If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
