I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
