Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
