If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
