so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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