Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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