butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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