A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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