Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
im on a boat
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