Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
