she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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