I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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