I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize