I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
