New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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