The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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