I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
