I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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