I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
