Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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