So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize