so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
