you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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