I think I died a long time ago.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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