so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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