i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
