The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
