last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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